My Esther Year

     Years ago the Lord gave me a word about my future husband, and when the Lord gave me that word, I guess I thought it was going to be soon, and when a man would come into my life, I would always think, "Is this the one?" I always knew the answer, before I even asked. I met a man in 2009 and I tried to believe that he was 'the one.' And I didn't listen to that still small voice that said "No, he's not the one." I had let my own desire become bigger than that still small voice, and I got involved with that man, and ended up devastated and heartbroken all because I didn't listen to that Voice. So in December of '09 I sat in my room, feeling sorry for myself mostly, and angry at myself, and I told myself, I am not looking at another guy ever again, but quickly that changed from forever to a year. Then these words, dropped into my spirit, "An Esther Year." At the time I wasn't sure what that meant, so I went to the book of Esther. Esther had a year of preparation to go through before she could be brought to the King.  So I'm thinking, "Oh, okay, God wants to use this year to get me ready for my husband." Yeah, even as I write this I am laughing too. But little did I know what God had in store for me. So January 2010 began my Esther year. Now my attention was no longer on a husband, I went back to the book of Esther and noticed that the first 6 months of Esther's year was with treatments of the oil of myrrh. The significance of myrrh for me was death to self. And I didn't think those 6 months would ever end..LOL, and I was right, they don't. The next 6 months were beautification treatments. So I had an idea...but His ways are not our ways, nor His thoughts our thoughts...During this year, my desperation and hunger for God only heightened, I reached a point where I cried out, "Jesus, I have to know You or die." And the Lord met me in that place of hunger and began to reveal Himself to me more and more. I have fallen in love with Jesus, and He IS my husband. God Himself said, "I AM A JEALOUS GOD, and you will have no other gods before me." In a sense, my desire for a husband had become a god. And God used that very desire for a husband, to separate me from it. Now I am not so sure that the Esther year ever comes to an end, and I still desire to have a husband, but God is so much bigger than that desire, God is my focus, He has ALL my attention, and He is First. Jesus is my First Love, and His love IS enough, so whether or not I ever have a physical husband, I am completely satisfied in Him, with Him. Sometimes I can't imagine having to make time for a husband, when Jesus is all I want. At least I know now, that the man God has for me, will be so in love with Jesus, and Jesus will be his First Love, that some how it will work, and we will both be in love with Jesus together.  I guess I said all this to say, the Esther Year wasn't about me getting a husband, but about me having THE HUSBAND, Jesus. And with Him, the honeymoon never ends.
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I got so desperate to change...I knew I wasn't making it on my own, and I knew there was more...and I felt like I really didn't know Jesus...and out of that desperation I just cried out to Jesus, I have to know you, I felt as though my life depended on it, and it really did, He is my life...but it wasn't always like that...I wanted God, but at a distance..in this nice little box where I could still have what I wanted and I could take God out of the box whenever it was convenient...ha, that was a hoot. I ended up in a box or a cell..lol, a crack addict, and alone..or so I felt most of my life, but surrender happened in stages, and God never left me alone, even in the worst of my sin, drugs, sex, guys, etc...he drew me with cords of love, and I came to a crossroads and said okay, I surrender...that was the beginning..that was back in 04...but I still tried to do things my way...a better way, but still my way..ha, that didn't work either...so okay...I gave up, it's His way...and His way is so much better, so much higher and so much lovelier..the only regret I have is that it took me so long to reach that end of me...and to find Him reaching, always reaching...even when we run..so now..I run to Him instead of away from Him. He never leaves me or forsakes me, and His love is everlasting and immeasurable, every day I find more and more depth to His love, and there is no place I would rather be than in His loving arms...so that's where I will stay...always. This world no longer attracts me, men...naaa, not interested...drugs, forget about it...its all gone, now a godly husband, that would be okay...when the Lord brings him into my life, that will be just fine, but I'm not looking...only waiting, on the Lord. His promises are sure, even when I'm not, and He truly is the love of my life, and all my joy, my pleasure, my satisfaction, is in Him. It truly is a love affair of a different kind, a divine romance...He is worth the pursuit...and He makes Himself so easy to catch.
3/20/11 Sheila R. Martin